Ladies and gentlemen of the Federal Republic, I have a confession. Mrs Pat Akpabio is right. Senate President Godswill Akpabio is guilty!
You see, as his pioneer Chief Press Secretary (CPS), I can confirm. I even witnessed some of the alleged crimes. The one about “k!lling” will shock you most. Yes, he’s guilty as charged. And if you think I’m saying this under duress, you’re right. Duress of truth! Now, let’s take it, like Ola Rotimi would say, “one after each”!
First Charge: According to Pat Akpabio, our Senate President is a blackmailer.
Very correct! The man’s guilt is undeniable. When I first met him, he was holding a black pen. Then, when he became a commissioner, he changed to green. And later to red, as a governor. He preferred using black though, unless on official documents.
So, if using a black pen is a crime, then Akpabio deserves a lifetime supply of ink. He’s a “black-mailer,” joor. He mails his thoughts in black ink and signs progress with bold strokes.
And, you know what? He’s even a lawyer. So, he was mostly dressed in black suits when we first met. Always looking like a Supreme Court angel. I swear, Pat caught him “black-handed,” sorry, red-handed.
Second Charge: Akpabio’s a betrayer.
Indeed! I was a witness. If I lie, may I go naked in the bathroom! He betrayed his “anger” at the deplorable state of development in Akwa Ibom state. When he started the “uncommon”infrastructural renaissance, he betrayed many citizens who spent longers years outside. When he lured some home, they couldn’t recognise the roads to their homes. Everywhere was transformed and some of them felt their “sense of geography “ was betrayed!
Hello, Akpabio betrayed failure, double-crossed laziness, and abandoned excuses at the political roundabout. He betrayed the deplorable infrastructure in Akwa Ibom and changed the culture of “let’s manage it like that.” Then, he had the temerity and all other “ities” to elope to the national space with excellence.
Yes, Akpabio betrayed tribalism, underachievement, etc. He betrayed mediocrity and enthroned excellence without looking back. If that’s betrayal, then let every leader betray stagnation, too.
Third Charge: He’s selfish.
I won’t argue. Akpabio himself confessed that he used to hawk on the streets to support his mother. That’s enough evidence!
Fish must have been among the wares he once hawked. Anyone who sells fish is automatically selfish, abi? You see how confessions can trap a man? He hawked fish on the streets — smoked, fresh, and fried. Pat must be right; Akpabio’s guilty of “selfishness” that feeds others. So selfish that he transformed lives, including those of Pat and her husband. What a dangerously selfish man!
Fourth Charge: Pat says Akpabio is a sadist.
On that charge too, I must confess, he’s guilty as charged! Every time he remembers his late mother, he feels “sad”! Sadness envelopes him like a mourning shawl. You can see it in his eyes when he talks about her. The woman who raised him with sweat and prayers, who taught him to hawk fish and hope in the same breath. Anyone who feels sad, I’m told, is a sadist, right? I no know book o. If true, then Akpabio deserves a lifetime sentence in the prison of affection.
Yes, he’s a “sad.ist”, but not the kind who rejoices in others’ pain. No, his sadness is sacred. It's born from gratitude, not cruelty. Whenever he recalls how his mother laboured to make him who he is, the man grows quiet, reflective, almost tearful. Maybe that’s why his empathy runs deep, why he invests in helping widows and single mothers. Perhaps, to heal the wound that never fully closed.
So yes, Pat, you’re right again: Akpabio is a “sad.ist”. Sad for his mother’s absence, and sadder still for a world that mistakes compassion for cruelty.
Fifth Charge: But before discussing the major charge, let's pause to consider the wife’s matter.
Pat says Unoma Akpabio, does “runs.”
Ah yes, I witnessed that myself, too. That woman can run! I saw her a few times running from the kitchen to the parlour with plates of soup. She ran to church, ran to the orphanages with gifts, etc. In one of the occasions, that was how she got the sobriquet: “Mother Theresa of Our Times.”
Yes, she even won Chioma Ajunwa in one competition at Uyo Stadium. Unoma Akpabio actually ran some humanitarian projects with the speed of compassion. When she told me about building a home for children with special needs, I wondered how she’d run it. But she ran her domestic, social and humanitarian responsibilities perfectly. Even the political ones, too. Amazingly, she never ran any aground! So yes, Mrs Unoma Akpabio is guilty!
Sixth and Final Charge: This is probably the most shocking. Pat says Akpabio is a k!ller.
Absolutely true! A serial one for that matter. The kind who assass!nated poverty, stran.gled underdevelopment, and buried mediocrity six feet under. When he was governor, he forced development on Akwa Ibom as if progress were a bitter medicine. He openly boasted: “Even if you don’t like development, I will force it on you.” And he did. He k!lled the housemaid mentality, for.ced children to schools free, turned boys into men and instituted free healthcare for the elderly.
So yes, Pat is right. Akpabio k!lls. He k!lled darkness with streetlights, silence with flyovers, and hopelessness with free education. He k!lled child abuse with the Child Rights Law, among others. Please, let’s observe a minute of silent applause for the deceased. May backwardness rest in pieces.
So, after careful observation and laughter, I admit and declare:
Akpabio is guilty! He’s guilty of transforming lives, guilty of progress, guilty of excellence, guilty of loving his people too much. If these are crimes, then we need more of them.
So, Pat, we hear you — loud and clear. But next time you shout “Akpabio is a k!ller,” please specify who or what exactly he k!!lled. Because from where I stand, all I see are the tombstones of poverty, ignorance, and envy.
Case closed(?)!
#fyp #everyonefollower #akpabio #familyfeud @highlight
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